I Wonder... how do I tame the beast?
Updated: Nov 4, 2019
Dear inner Rage-monster,
I’m wanting to scream out in anger, but instead I’ve swallowed you down in a pill of resentment. I retreated behind the wall, letting you rip me to shreds instead. I hate this pain.
I’m trying to see the message wrapped in the gift of your outrage.
I get it, you want me to fight for my right to exist with my head held high. You want me to defend my vulnerable heart. Perhaps you just want me to stop ignoring your rebel yell when it costs so much? When my castle is being breached by thieves wanting my treasure without paying for it, of course this makes you angry.
How do I use your energy to propel my feet for good, instead of fighting an enemy in a battle I didnt ask for? I want to be strong for the possibility of joy, not weak in fear.
Your roar at me feels like a warning to save my soul from indignity of believing I’m powerless when I feel defenceless in the quagmire of other’s demands and my own needs. Sometimes people don’t let me receive the same respect and appreciation I give them. Who says they should? I guess they are busy balancing the same tightrope, trying to feel important and worthy of appreciation in a world where sometimes little is offered.
Yet, you’re telling me it’s time to wake up and honour my own value. To fight for justice and fairness to rightfully have what I deserve, but I’m afraid of unleashing a 5 year old chucking a tantrum!
So, how do I learn to say, “No” when I hate risking abandonment?
“No” is healthy when something or someone sabotages your well-being, you growl.
Tell me, how do I build boundaries to stay sane without fear of losing love?
Hah! Let others have the choice to generously care or not, knowing you can take care of yourself with or without them.
How do I bravely ask for what I want and therefore risk rejection?
Stop trying to control everyone else except the one you can, you reply in exasperation.
Then my head is silenced in its never-ending worries when you speak to my heart...
“Lack of love causes you so much pain,
others’ approval being the balm to gain.
A mere temporary fix to a disease,
a slave to beg for it and say please.
To transform yourself like a butterfly,
is to bury the “not good enough” lie.
Become aware you are enough to exist,
with growing strength of will, persist.
When life does not go your way,
maybe the soul wants it’s say.
A new day brings new choices to make,
Let love be your miracle to create.”
From such words you give me hope that my fury can be my friend, my dear beast of misery-causing wrath. You are actually soothing my fears with your wisdom. Who knew that listening to you would make me want to take responsibility to change what is hurting me?
I see it is okay to feel angry and to speak up despite what the world wants of me. Perhaps I can create my own destiny in the midst of the competing desires. Maybe I am worthy of receiving as much as I give.
I’ll take a cup of self-belief today. To honour my right to happiness and my worthiness of being valued for who I am.
Thank you. I think I love you.
Keep in touch!